At this time he fell in with an old tattered copy of Luther's "Commentary on the Galatians," "so old that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over." As he read, to his amazement and thankfulness, he found his own spiritual experience described. "It was as if his book had been written out of my heart." It greatly comforted him to find that his condition was not, as he had thought, solitary, but that others had known the same inward struggles. "Of all the books that ever he had seen," he deemed it "most fit for a wounded conscience." This book was also the means of awakening an intense love for the Saviour. "Now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly. Oh, methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire."

And very quickly, as he tells us, his "love was tried to some purpose." He became the victim of an extraordinary temptation - "a freak of fancy," Mr. Froude terms it - "fancy resenting the minuteness with which he watched his own emotions." He had "found Christ" and felt Him "most precious to his soul." He was now tempted to give Him up, "to sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange Him for the things of this life; for anything." Nor was this a mere passing, intermittent delusion. "It lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day in a month, no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, except when I was asleep." Wherever he was, whatever he was doing day and night, in bed, at table, at work, a voice kept sounding in his ears, bidding him "sell Christ" for this or that. He could neither "eat his food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast his eyes on anything" but the hateful words were heard, "not once only, but a hundred times over, as fast as a man could speak, 'sell Him, sell Him, sell Him,' and, like his own Christian in the dark valley, he could not determine whether they were suggestions of the Wicked One, or came from his own heart. The agony was so intense, while, for hours together, he struggled with the temptation, that his whole body was convulsed by it. It was no metaphorical, but an actual, wrestling with a tangible enemy. He "pushed and thrust with his hands and elbows," and kept still answering, as fast as the destroyer said "sell Him," "No, I will not, I will not, I will not! not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds!" at least twenty times together. But the fatal moment at last came, and the weakened will yielded, against itself. One morning as he lay in his bed, the voice came again with redoubled force, and would not be silenced. He fought against it as long as he could, "even until I was almost out of breath," when "without any conscious action of his will" the suicidal words shaped themselves in his heart, "Let Him go if He will."

Now all was over. He had spoken the words and they could not be recalled. Satan had "won the battle," and "as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, down fell he into great guilt and fearful despair." He left his bed, dressed, and went "moping into the field," where for the next two hours he was "like a man bereft of life, and as one past all recovery and bound to eternal punishment." The most terrible examples in the Bible came trooping before him. He had sold his birthright like Esau. He a betrayed his Master like Judas - "I was ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas." There was no longer any place for repentance. He was past all recovery; shut up unto the judgment to come. He dared hardly pray. When he tried to do so, he was "as with a tempest driven away from God," while something within said, "'Tis too late; I am lost; God hath let me fall." The texts which once had comforted him gave him no comfort now; or, if they did, it was but for a brief space. "About ten or eleven o'clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge and bemoaning myself for this hard hap that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence bolted upon me, 'The blood of Christ cleanseth from all sin,'" and gave me "good encouragement." But in two or three hours all was gone. The terrible words concerning Esau's selling his birthright took possession of his mind, and "held him down." This "stuck with him." Though he "sought it carefully with tears," there was no restoration for him. His agony received a terrible aggravation from a highly coloured narrative of the terrible death of Francis Spira, an Italian lawyer of the middle of the sixteenth century, who, having embraced the Protestant religion, was induced by worldly motives to return to the Roman Catholic Church, and died full of remorse and despair, from which Bunyan afterwards drew the awful picture of "the man in the Iron Cage" at "the Interpreter's house." The reading of this book was to his "troubled spirit" as "salt when rubbed into a fresh wound," "as knives and daggers in his soul." We cannot wonder that his health began to give way under so protracted a struggle. His naturally sturdy frame was "shaken by a continual trembling." He would "wind and twine and shrink under his burden," the weight of which so crushed him that he "could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet." His digestion became disordered, and a pain, "as if his breastbone would have split asunder," made him fear that as he had been guilty of Judas' sin, so he was to perish by Judas' end, and "burst asunder in the midst." In the trembling of his limbs he saw Cain's mark set upon him; God had marked him out for his curse. No one was ever so bad as he. No one had ever sinned so flagrantly. When he compared his sins with those of David and Solomon and Manasseh and others which had been pardoned, he found his sin so much exceeded theirs that he could have no hope of pardon. Theirs, "it was true, were great sins; sins of a bloody colour. But none of them were of the nature of his. He had sold his Saviour. His sin was point blank against Christ." "Oh, methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world; not all of them together was able to equal mine; mine outwent them every one."